.:A Little About Me:.

Hello friends!  How is your day?  I hope it is filled with beautiful things.

I am seeing that there is a lot of new people here, and I just wanted to give a little bit of information about who I am; well, and some about what I do here.

First off, I need to explain that I am a very eclectic person.  I do a lot of stuff here.  I review products and places, movies and books.  Just anything that really tickles my fancy. I also like to give my advice about certain situations.  If you read back on some of my posts, I am sure that will be obvious.

You will also find that many times when I am sleepy (or sick) I will ramble and just put my thoughts out there. There are things that I feel that I could share about what is going on with me that might help others.

See, the thing is I’m sick. I have been for a long time.  I ended up with epilepsy when I was a baby after having an allergic reaction to the Pertussis part of the DtP vaccine. I have had seizures all my life, so please do not worry about me, or feel sorry. I am used to it.  I also have very severe Fibromyalgia. I hurt so bad sometimes that I cannot get out of bed, and walking has become a serious issue.  Something else about me is that I have every symptom of Multiple Sclerosis, but they cannot find the lesions.  It is a mess honestly. Due to this foolishness, it has brought on a case of depression that I cannot seem to shake.  Even though I have tried.

I am fully disabled and it breaks my heart.  That fixed income, while it keeps a roof over my family’s head, is just not enough to do the things that my children should be able to.  I should be working and here I am, 6 in the morning not able to sleep (AGAIN) and rambling.  I do love this time of morning though.  The world around you turns this beautiful shade of blue.  Everywhere you look, the color seeks you out and gives peace.

I want all of you to understand one thing, if you take anything at all.

A sickness doesn’t define who you are. How we approach our sickness is. If you cower with fear, you do not succeed. The battle is lost.  But if you stand up, look at it in the face and stand strong, you can and will grow stronger in the face of adversity.  You begin to learn things about yourself, about those around you.  And that too makes you stronger.

So, my lovely friends.  Stand Strong.  Follow your dreams and just live in a happy place.

I love all of you.


PS!  Review for a movie is coming out tomorrow!


.:Depression – What is it, and isn’t:.

Depression.  It is such a small word for such a long road. I want to share with all of you what it is, and what it isn’t.  Many of us suffer with it in some form or another and then there are those select few that just don’t understand.  So, without further ado, I am going to shine a bit of a light on it, in the Lilly way.

Depression is the severe feeling of despondency and dejection. By medical terms. It is a common but serious mental disorder. So let me bullet point this (I LOVE ME SOME BULLET POINTS YO!):

  • Depression is a REAL THING. It isn’t something that is just boom you can get over it. IT IS A MENTAL STATE.
  • Depression can and will affect people in different ways.  While some people are hardly able to get out of bed, some will do menial things, like sink into a Television screen.  Okay, that sounds bad like I am talking about the scene in “Nightmare on Elm Street” where the TV picks up the girl and shoves her hea…..  Okay, stopping here.
  • Depression can be treated.  There are ways to get out of a funk.  Whether it is meditation, mediCation or therapy. You can find help.

All of us have periods of sadness.  Whether it is a break-up, a loss of a job or home, it comes on.  Sadness is a part of every day life and something that will never go away.  Depression on the other hand is deeper than that.  It is the loss of will.  Things that we used to be interested in just lose their oomph.  No motivation to get out there and take on the world.  It is the feeling of inadequacy.  Eating too much, or too little.  Now, you might say that these all sound like SAD symptoms, and you are right.  They are.  BUT it is when they extend past that point, last for a lot longer than usual.

Let’s say there is a girl named Bertha May Magillycutty. Bertha has been in a relationship with Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen.  Then Bertha and Smitty break up.  She is sad, ends up losing interest, starts eating buckets of ice cream while watching The Notebook.  After a few days she gets leveled out and begins picking up the pieces.

Now here is the way the Depressed Mind gets.

Bertha and Smitty break up.  She is heartbroken.  Cannot get out of bed, she lets herself go.  Doesn’t shower, brush her hair.  She doesn’t leave the house. She is in a downward spiral. Where the first Bertha began picking up the pieces, this Bertha looks at the pieces all strewn around the floor and gets frustrated by the amount of them are on the floor.  She sees them as a wave of pieces that she couldn’t possibly pick up.  So she sits in the middle of that pieces strewn floor and loses herself in them.

So there it is my friends.  How DEPRESSION is.  It is wave after wave of pieces that we just feel we won’t be able to put back together because there are just so many. So we sink lower and lower into the blackness.

It, Depression, interferes with the daily lives of those that it grabs, like a torturous villain. It causes pain, not only to the person being held “captive” but those around them too. It doesn’t at all mean that those suffering from depression is weak, by no means.  It just means that we are overwhelmed.

Like I said before, too many times depression is overlooked. It is “diagnosed” as just sadness, or another sickness. But I am going to give a short list of symptoms that we can look for in ourselves or those around us.

  • Loss of interest in things previously enjoyed.  (Hobbies, Sports, etc)
  • Difficulty in making decisions, or remembering planned things.
  • Restlessness or irritability.
  • Weight gain or loss.
  • Fatigue or lethargy.
  • Feelings of being worthless, useless, unneeded.
  • Difficulty sleeping.  Either too little, or too much.
  • Hopelessness

There are many different types of depression as well.  I will not go into detail of them, since this is already running long, but there is one that I want to bring up.  Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar is NOT the same as depression.  While a person that suffers from Bipolar disorder, does have extremely low moods, they also have very HIGH moods.  They can been down and out, or excessively happy.

What I want all of you to know is that no matter how severe depression is, it IS treatable. Using meditation techniques helps soothe over whatever wounds are creating the issue.  Find a quiet spot, fill it with candles and smell good things and just sit and relax.  Just allow your mind to wander.  Lay down if you must, but you need to clear your mind and just allow it to roam.  If something comes in, push it out and keep your head clear.

You may also decide that medications are in order. There are many different types out there, you need to speak to your doctor to find which one suits you. Non-narcotic types are out there, just figure which works.

Therapy is a great way to get a handle on depression.  Speak about how your feeling with a medical therapist.  Just let it out.

Keep a journal.  Put in all of your feelings, the pain, heartache and then when you are done with that one, burn it.  And then as the smoke flows up into the sky, visualize that your hurt is going with it.

A mixture of all of these could help.  But the most important thing is for you to know that you are NOT alone in this.  You have family, friends (online and off) that are going to be there for you.  Goodness knows that I am.

Now depression is not something that can be dropped at turn of a hat.  Saying “Just get over it,” is not a good treatment option.  This ‘sadness’ goes a lot deeper.  It is the loss of hope and desire.  You cannot just dust those off and boom, shiny and new.  I wish it would, but it won’t. It isn’t something that can be just shooed away.  It is deep rooted and seeded, and the only thing that can help is HELP.

Study about depression.  Research about it friends.  And remember, no matter what, you can get passed this. You got it.


Random Thoughts by a sleepy head…

Yes my friends, I am sleepy and I have a migraine, so I guess now is a good of a time as any to write some random thoughts down.

You know, I have really sat and thought the last few hours about how so many of us are unique and different, but pushed so hard to stay within the “norm” of society that it is hard to pull ourselves out of this rut caused by what I can only call peer pressure.

Looking, acting and pretty much becoming someone else to suit anothers vision of us is not the way to live our lives friends.  It truly isn’t.  If a person is to truly care about you, they need to care about all of you.  Sorry for sort of quoting (calling it sort of since my brain is revolting and apparently trying to escape out my ears) Baby from Dirty Dancing, but it does fit a situation like this.

“If you love me, you have to love all the things about me.”

That is so very true.

See my dears, you are put on this planet, created in such a way that is perfection.  While there will be bumps in the road, scars given, hurts happening, in the end, we must all stand up and dust ourselves off.  Whether it is God or just evolution, we are perfectly imperfect.  No matter the reason, no matter the cause.  You are you, and there is nothing in the world that is better than that.  So here I go, trying to quote someone else now, but this time, I’m Seussing it up.

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

So keep that in your thoughts my friends.  No matter what happens in your life, there is no one alive that is you.  You are perfect.  You are wonderful.

BE YOU AND GOSH DARN IT BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE!  Unless of course you are wanting to be some type of psycho crazy person that hurts, maims (among other things) people.  If that is the case, you might want to rethink your yous.

Love always,


PS. Please accept my apologies for the rambling.  I am mostly typing out my hoohaa since the noggin’ is being a doofus.

.:50 Facts About Me:.

This is another one of those “Tag” type things and since I am up, I thought I would try it out.  Hopefully I can come up with 50 things.  *laughs*

1.  I am a Wiccan/Pagan.  I do believe in God, but I feel that there is another side to the power of Divinity.  I feel deep in my heart that there is a Female side within Divinity.  I also feel that God doesn’t live with a building.  HE lives within us all.  Around us all.  The Lord and Lady are surrounding us every moment of our lives.  Nature is my church, my Spirit is Their Home.

2.  I do not believe in Satan/The Devil.  I feel that if I do something bad, that I am the one doing it.  No one, no otherworldly being is to blame for what I do.  I am willing to accept responsibility for what I have done and will not reach out for the ultimate scapegoat to place blame somewhere else.  And to go along with this.  NO I do not worship the Devil or murder small children.  You can’t worship what you don’t believe in.

3. I have three beautiful children that I love with my whole heart.  They are my gifts, my heart and soul.  And the only children that I can tolerate.  Which leads into #4.

4.  I do not like other peoples children.  UNLESS I have this pull to “make” them mine. My friend Rose’s children, I love like they are my own children.  But other peoples kids *shivers.* Don’t get me wrong, kids are funny and make you laugh, but I have seen way to many times, kids acting like complete and total nightmares.  Throwing fits, screaming constantly, lacking respect.  Those are the kids that need to be kept in the house.  Not put into public.  They are an embarrassment.  I know I am sounding harsh, but kids without manners annoy me.

5.  I have epilepsy.  I have had it since I was a small child.  It was a side effect of having the DtP vaccine.  I was allergic to the pertussis part.

6.  I have been struck by lightening.  It didn’t hurt really until after.  Remember kids, if a storm is brewing, GET OFF THE DAMN PHONE!

7.  I have Obsessive Compulsion Disorder.  But thankfully only with certain things.  I count everything, wash my hands frequently, won’t touch doors except in my own home.  If I touch anything, I can feel the ick getting on me and should have stock in hand sanitizer.

8.  I hate telephones.  I hate talking on them, having one, anything.  I do not own a cellphone that has service, nor will I ever.  I will never call anyone back, and if I have to talk on a phone, it has to be on speaker ONLY.

9.  I own cats.  Lots and lots of cats.  16 to be exact.  Their names are:

  • Lucy Belle
  • Sir Gareth Thomas (AKA Peanut Head)
  • Pottamus Prime
  • Draco Catfoy
  • Benjamin Basher
  • Jeffery Deadlox
  • Roman
  • Olaf
  • Masky Sky
  • Hoody Rose
  • Smokey
  • Angel Cake
  • Dartanian
  • Nigelis Jr
  • Gypsy
  • Jericho

10.  I also have 1 dog.  Her name is Tina Marie and she is a mix of something small.  In other words, she is a mutt.

11.  All of my animals are either born in my home or rescues.  I am a notorious cat burglar and will steal a cat if I see that it is being abused in any way, shape or form.  I am more than willing to admit it.

12.  I am “labelled” as Goth.  I wear the black make-up and the black clothing.  I wear the odd jewelry and fishnets.  And I enjoy every moment of it. I am ME.

13.  I am conceited as hell.  I love myself, I have no problem with that.  I love being who I am.

14.  I am very outspoken.  If I have something to say, I will say it.  No qualms here people.

15.  I am brutally honest.  If you don’t want to know the true answer to something, DO NOT ASK ME. I will tell you exactly what I think and will not hold back to save your feelings.  You asked, I tell.

16.  I have stage-fright unlike anything anyone has ever seen.  I cannot stand being on a stage and will lock-up automatically.  Which is weird considering 17.

17.  I do attempt to do karaoke. It helps to break me out of the fences created by dear ol’ #16 up there.  Or at least it attempts to help me with that.

18.  I have been told I should have a recording contract.  People seem to like my voice.  And yes, I sing a lot.

19.  I smoke cigarettes.  It was either that or prescription nerve meds and yeah, I chose what I feel is the lesser of two evils.  I don’t like medication.

20.  I do not drink, nor do I do any sort of drugs.  It is hard enough to get tylenol in me.  Tried pot once and found it stupid and honestly, it was boring as hell.  That whole “Everything is funny” and “Munchies”  is BS.  I am paralyzed.  NOTHING but my brain works.  I found out a while ago that I am probably allergic to it.

21.  I went to college for Psychology.  Came upon hard times 6 months before my graduation and had to drop out.  I had a 4.6 GPA. 😦

22.  I am a wanna-be extreme couponer.  The very thought of buying groceries for a month with just a few bucks gets my engine running.

23.  I do not kiss anyone on the mouth.  Germs people.  GERMS.

24.  I am asexual.  In other words, I do not have the sexual relations. Don’t get me wrong, it can be okay, but when dealing with as much pain as I do, it just isn’t worth it.

25.  Speaking of pain, the doctors are testing me for Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I have been having a lot of pain going on lately so I asked about a test for Lupus.  Well Lupus wasn’t found but something else was wrong.

26.  I have every symptom of Multiple Sclerosis with the exception of the brain lesions.  So they can’t call what is wrong with me MS for certain.

27.  I am part Irish and part Cherokee.  You can’t tell my native american side at all, but damn it, you can see that Irish just fine. THANKS MOM!  *grumbles*

28.  I am nearly blind in both eyes.  I started losing my sight at the age of 12 and it has progressively gotten worse.  I also have astigmatism. YAY ME!

29.  I cannot go out into the sun at all without getting burnt.  My skin is pale people and it doesn’t tan.  IT BURNS.  I can go from the house to the car and be burnt to a crisp.  NOT a good feeling.

30.  I do not watch TV.  I do not like TV.  I will watch videos and things on my computer but sit me in front of a TV and my brain goes dead.  I zone out.

31.  I read. A lot.  If I could, I would have an entire wing off of my house with nothing but a huge library.  Books are the most beautiful things on the planet.  Except my children of course.

32.  I love odd things.  Old dolls, old statues, just things that are weird make me happy.  I actually have a set of glass eyes.  It has both the child size and the adult size.

33.  I love making things.  My imagination goes into overdrive and I begin creating.  Whether it is clothing, jewelry, art. You name it, I will make it.  And 99 time out of 100, it will be something odd.  My favorite pieces right now is my severed old mans head necklace and my vials of “blood.”

34.  If I can find an better and quicker way to do something, you can bet your sweet arse that I will do it that way.  I will find the easiest and most efficient way of doing something and it will get done properly the first time.  I am not one to piddle around with steps if I can do it better my way.

35.  I have a pet potato.  Don’t ask…

36.  I wear toboggans to bed.  I have this intense fear of something crawling in my ears while I sleep, so yeah, I keep em covered.

Ugh, this is getting hard.

37.  I am a human barometer.  I know when it will rain, storm, snow, anything.  I am my own meteorologist.

38.  I am horribly terrified of crickets and grasshoppers.  Nothing else really scares me.  Spiders, snakes, rats anything.  Doesn’t bother me, but you get one of those long legged jumping bastards near me and I will go running off into the sunset screaming bloody murder.  I also tend to scream out for my mommy at some point.

39.  My mother means everything to me. Period.  I am violently protective over my mom.

40. Speaking of violent.  When I get to a certain point, I will do anything possible to hurt whomever got me there.  I go for blood.  Literal BLOOD.  And I cannot control it.  I black out when I hit rage mode and I will hurt people.  NOT those that I love and care about, but the one that hurt me.  When I was younger, I ended up putting 2 people into the hospital.  That is something I am NOT proud of.  So I have lived my life in peace and serenity to keep myself grounded and away from that. I have learned to control my agitation by moving away from it, allowing myself to cool down before I say or do something that will harm another being.

41.  The one thing that I can’t control is my reaction to anyone that harms my daughter.  My sons can take care of themselves but with her, I will protect her with everything I have.  I have come to terms with the Deities that be that if anything was to happen to her, if anyone was to willingly harm her, I will destroy them.  I know that it will be too much for my psyche to take and I will explode into a fit of pure fury that will make the Titans (the Gods that Zeus locked into prison for eternity.  Google it.) look like altar boys.  I will find whoever did it and they will….  Well, I won’t go there.

42.  I do not feel what I consider “Wasteful Emotions.”  Jealousy, Envy, Greed all are wasteful emotions.  I will not waste my life wishing for what another has. I am grateful for what I have.  I cherish each little tidbit.  While yes, I do feel that things could be better, I will not dwell on the fact that I am where I am.  I am stronger because of what is around me, and I appreciate the little things in life because of it.

43.  I do not tolerate abuse in any way, shape or form.  I will defend those that need help.  It is my protective side that does it.  And yes, that goes for snot nose kids too. I may not like them, but I won’t tolerate someone hurting them.

44.  I have a statue of “The Thinker” on my desk.  It helps me to focus on what I need to.  And he is doing his best to keep me on track here.

45.  I do not have many friends.  But those that I consider my friends aren’t friends, they are my family.

46.  I have a monkey toy that was given to me when I was a child.  It is my little MonkMonk.  I also have a porcelain piggy bank that is older than I am.  WAY OLDER than I am. I got it when I was 5.

47.  I cannot drink water.  At all.  I love water, but as soon as it hits my stomach it comes right back up and I look like a baby spitting up.  It is quite disturbing.

48.  While I do eat meat, I can very easily be a vegetarian.  I am anemic so by doctors orders, meat has to be on the menu.  GAK.

49.  I much prefer the night time over day time. I just feel more comfortable that way.

50.  If you ever ask me a question, the answer will always either be 42 or goats.  Don’t ask me why, but that is my first reaction to anything.

I do hope that you have enjoyed this and I tag each and every one of you to do it too.  By all means do it in the comments below, or start a blog yourself. Its free here on WordPress.  And if you do, by all means share the link below!



I have been seeing a lot of those Tag “Videos” lately, and really enjoy the concept.  I feel like it is a way that we, as a community can get to know each other better.  So I thought I would start this by doing the TMI Tag (TMI = Too Much Information for you non-text-speaking types.  YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!)  So here we go:

1: What are you wearing? My black hoodie, a black tank top with a white one underneath, my black and white zebra leggings and *cough*  My pink, black and yellow leopard spot socks. *cough*
2: Ever been in love? Yes I have.  
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? Isn’t all break-ups terrible?  Even if they are for the best?
4: How tall are you? Tall enough. hehe 5 feet or so.
5: How much do you weigh? I honestly have no idea.  About 160 I think.  AND IT IS PURE BOSSNESS!
6: Any tattoos?  Yes please. I’ll take more!  *listens to her earpiece and whispers “Oh they don’t mean it like that?  You sure?” and then sighs.*  I have some yes.  >.>  I have a small flower on my right back hip, a large black dragon surrounded by a sun between my shoulder blades, MOM tattooed on my chest, a red and yellow dragon on my Left upper arm, EAJ on my right lower leg, a portrait of my doll Edward on my right forearm inside with skullies and such on it, and my own portrait on the back of my right forearm.  Yeah, I got a portrait of myself.  Who better?
7: Any piercings?  A few.  2 Labret piercings (called snakebites for you “new folk”), my tongue, and both ears gauged.
8: OTP?  O.o da hell does that mean?  *looks it up* One true pairing?  *rolls eyes*  Corn on the cob and my belly.  They like each other.  And I like them.  Yes, I like corn people. Sheesh.
9: Favorite show? Show… Show… Um…  As in TV?  Honestly I don’t watch much.  But I do watch Face Off, Expedition Unknown and Ghost Adventures.
10: Favorite bands?  Thank Goodness it was BAND(S) and not just band.  Godsmack, Puscifer, Tool, Korn, Static X, wow, this can go on forever.
11: Something you miss? Right at this moment I miss my daughter that is with her daddy right now.  *pout pout*
12: Favorite song?  Too many to list here but I will name 2.  “Terror” by My Ruin and “Rev 22:20” by Puscifer
13: How old are you? 29….  >.>  Okay, I’m 37. 😉
14: Zodiac sign? Aries baby!  
15: Quality you look for in a partner? Intelligence.  The ability to have a conversation is also nice.
16: Favorite Quote? “No amount of make-up can mask an ugly heart.”  Kevin Aucoin
17: Favorite actor? Anthony Hopkins
18: Favorite color? Turquoise Blue
19: Loud music or soft? Depends on my mood.  I mostly listen to Celtic when relaxing.
20: Where do you go when you’re sad? Sleep
21: How long does it take you to shower? About 5 to 10 minutes.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Depends on how I am feeling.
23: Ever been in a physical fight? Yes I have and I wouldn’t advise anyone to try it with me.  I can’t control what happens when I black out.
24: Turn on? Confidence
25: Turn off? The inability to think for themselves.
26: The reason I joined Youtube? As you have read in my above explanation, this was meant for YouTube.  Which I am hoping with a bit of luck and some fairy dust I will have a decent camera to film with so I can post on the You of Tubes.
27: Fears? I am terrified of Crickets and Grasshoppers.  Hey stop laughing.  Those little bastards are evil.
28: Last thing that made you cry? I teared up when I saw Jacksepticeye cry in a video where he plays a game a fan made for him. The poor Irish Lad had me.
29: Last time you said you loved someone? I LOVE NO ONE!  BWAHAHAHA  Just kidding. I just told my mother I loved her when I hung up the phone.
30: Meaning behind your YouTube Name?  Well my Youtube name is simple.  Its my name, but the name of this blog is something my best friend Rose made up.  Lil = Lilly :  Eysium = Elysium
31: Last book you read?  I have read so many but it is something by Christine Feehan
32: The book you’re currently reading? I haven’t chosen one yet.  I need to get on that. I have read everything in this house already at least twice.
33: Last show you watched? Oh god… Um…  Ghost Adventures??  I don’t remember.
34: Last person you talked to?  *glares across the room at HIM.  THE HIM… THE EVIL ONE!  The demon man himself*  That strange guy that seems to think he lives here.  Just playing Waya.  *laughs*  My fellow man guy.
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? *looks around*  I um… don’t remember. I don’t have a phone that texts. And haven’t in over a year.
36: Favorite food? Corn on the Cobbie.  mmmmmmmmm
37: Place you want to visit? Ireland
38: Last place you were? My moms house.  If you need not near home then it was Virginia.
39: Do you have a crush? Of course.  Who doesn’t.  I see her every day in the mirror.  WOW NARCISSISTIC MUCH???
40: Last time you kissed someone? I kissed my kitties faces does that count?
41: Last time you were insulted? Don’t know, and don’t really care.  Insults don’t hurt me.  
42: Favorite flavor of sweet? I don’t really eat sweets but if I had to choose it would be Caramel.
43: What instruments do you play? I play my voice.  Not too good on actual instruments.
44: Favorite piece of jewelry? hmmm this is hard.  Probably my Native American Choker.
45: Last sport you played? *laughs*  Not a chance of that ever happening people.  Unless tickling counts.
46: Last song you sang? hmmm “Foolish Games” by Jewel
47: Favorite chat up line? Chat up line?  Don’t you mean pick up line?  Don’t use em, I just say hi.  But I did have one said to me that was hilarious once.  Young ones cover your ears and eyes.  They actually said, “That shirt looks becoming on you. But if I was on you, I’d be cumming too.”  I laughed and laughed.
48: Have you ever used it? Actually yes, I said it to one of my friends and they laughed and laughed.
49: Last time you hung out with anyone? I hang out with Waya every day.  
50: Who should answer these questions next? Well I would like for my Rosie Po the Popstar to do this and all of you that read this.  Feel free to do it in the comments below, or create a blog yourself and share it with us all!

Love to all of you and thank for taking the time to read this mass of hysteria.  ❤

.:A Letter To My 16 Year Old Self:.

Dear 16 year old Me,

So many things are going to happen in your life.  You are going to go through many trials, many tribulations but each of them is going to create a great person.  You may feel down about yourself now, but in the end, you will be okay.  You will make it through stronger and will become more than you have ever known.  It might seem like your are not going to make it, that sinking is better than swimming in that dark water that you call your life, but there is an island close by.  And it has the brightest lighthouse to shine and guide you.  On that island  you will find a life of beauty and contentment, so keep swimming honey.  You will make it soon.

You will always be the outcast, the unique one that stands out in a crowd.  You will always be different inside, and you will learn that you wouldn’t change it for the world.  You are perfectly imperfect; a wonderful mixture of squishy and lovely, pretty and strong.  You will learn and grow as no one expected.  You will begin to accept your flaws for what they are and be proud of that being you have become.  You will not need to dream, you will not need to wish because in the end, you know that YOU make your life what it is and are happy of all that you have.

You will learn that your past has no effect on your present.  You will find that through everything, you have gained knowledge and become one with your true self.  You won’t hide anything anymore.  You won’t hide what is inside.  You will search for your happiness and you will find it.  Believe me, I am you.

You will find that in a year, you will have the most beautiful son.  You will experience the highest level of love imaginable.  He will become your life, your everything.  3 years later, another beautiful child will come into your life and you will feel whole.  But then things get hard, problems arise and you will feel your life being drained from you as you sign their lives over to the woman that raised you.  You are doing the best thing for them, you are giving them a life that at that moment, you won’t be able to.  You will get depressed, suicidal and feel as if you are better off dead.  But they keep you strong.  They keep your grounded.  You will still be able to see the love and glory in their precious faces each time you see them.

You will also find that living in a car is not so bad.  It will teach you to appreciate every single day, every single thing that you receive.  You will be able to view the world with eyes wide open.  That in itself will be a treasure for you.  Not taking things for granted will be a gift.

You will learn what abuse means, and learn not to do it to others.  You will live your life in loving kindness.  With care and honor in your heart.  You will see it first hand and become a voice of reason to others in that situation.  You will become a beacon yourself to others that are swimming in that cold deep ocean.  Do not doubt you are doing good for the world honey.  Because you mean a lot.

2 years later, you will find in your arms the most beautiful girl-child.  She will be the Angel in your life.  Another saving grace.  She will set your world upside down, and you will love it.  She will be your princess, your pookaloo, your punka-wumpa-doo.  You will feel at home finally after so many years.  She grounds you like nothing else has.  She becomes your little shadow, your little side-kick and when she goes to school, you will sit in the parking lot every day waiting and crying.  It will hurt to know she is not there, but you soon are able to handle the pain of it through the art of sleeping.  Trust me, it will be hard.  But, you will start to accept.

You will see the kindness of strangers, the joy of friends.  You will meet this crazy girl on Myspace and have an instant connection.  She will come to you and become best friends of which you have never had before.  You will learn what true friendship means through her and will share your journey through life with her, your daughter and those you love.

You will also find out what divorce means.  It will be the hardest part of your life, but you will know that it is for the best.  The two of you just won’t be able to work out due to your differences.  You’re eccentric, he is more down to earth.  You are more imaginative, he is more logical.  But you will make it babycakes.  You will make it.

You will also soon learn that your health is not all that great anymore.  The seizures you had as a child will come back, you will start shaking uncontrollably sometimes.  Your right side will become weaker and weaker.  You will stop eating.  And will go days without food.  It will get better.  You will finally find a medication that will help you eat a decent meal at least once a day.  But you will learn through it all and become happier.

You are doing great honey.  Keep that chin up.  Keep that smile on your face.  You are going to be a wonderful and brilliant person by the time we meet up again at the age of 37.  Trust in yourself, I do.

Oh and as a note:

Please try not to start smoking.  It is a horrid habit that we have picked up.

I love you little me.  And always will.

Your 37 year old self.

A Negative Life: How will you live?

It has taken me a few days to really think about this post.  3 days I have written, and have erased each time.  I am wanting to get the point across to all of you about negativity and how it affects our lives as a whole.  But for some reason, I am having a hard time really getting how I feel about this subject out there into the interwebs.

I am a firm believer in “Negativity breeds Negativity.”  It basically means “If you spend your time expecting negative things to happen, they will.”  I live my life in a Positive manner.  Because the other side of the negative coin is “Positivity BREEDS Positivity.”  That is a trait that many have not been able to accept within life.  And while, yes, it makes me sad to think that people wrap themselves in this cocoon of self-contaminating negativity, it also brings a sense of pride in myself.  I know that I have evolved and become more… how should I say this? Better.

Wow, that sounds a bit like narcissism does it not? But oh well.  I can’t change how I feel about it.  Well okay, I can, but I won’t.  Nor do I want to.  “Why?”  Because I will not accept negativity into my life.  Yes, bad things happen.  They happen to everyone, but I will not be sucked into the whirlpool is horridness.  I have flown above it, and there I will stay.

The thing is everyone, and this is important, if you spend your life thinking about nothing but the bad side of things, you are forgetting about what is good.  You don’t see the beauty of life anymore.  You wallow in your own self-pity, drowning in sorrows that no longer matter.  The past is over.  Nothing is going to change it.  Nothing anyone can do will be able to turn back time.  We aren’t Marty McFly and we do not have a magical Delorian.

There is a saying I have always lived by, “If you keep walking backwards, you miss what is in front of you.”  And I think that is the truest statement that can be made.  Those “PAST” blinders on, you can’t see what it is around you that makes the world such a beautiful place.  You are unable to see all the great things that you have accomplished, have created, have BECOME.  Because nothing but your “history” matters.

And honestly, you ruin it for everyone else.  You make everyone else around you miserable because all they want is for you to be happy.  There, the truth is out there.  I said it.  And no, I am not sorry.  This needs to be heard.  YOU need to hear it.

You sit around in your little bubble of misery, of self-destruction.  You wallow around in the excrement of your past and for what?  What is there to prove?  What is there to dwell on?  Your past is over and done with, gone with the passing of time.  And it is time for you to stand up and say, “Will I let the past rule me?  Or will I rule it?”  It is time for you to stand up to all that foolishness that flows in your brain and get the hell over yourself.  But dammit, it needs to be said.

I know that I sound harsh, I know that I sound cruel, but if you do not change this self-inducing pain, then you will never be able to be truly happy.

The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift – that’s why they call it “the present.”

I think that quote speaks volumes.  And it is very true.  We are given the gift of another glorious day, don’t ruin it people.  Accept your gift with love in your hearts and all things will turn out for the better.  Trust me.

To end this rant, I am bringing to you the bright words of Rafiki (yes the baboon from the Lion King)

“The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it.”

The Choice Is YOURS.