.:Grief – Missing my Fur Son:.

Hello friends.  I hope that all of you are smiling today.  Unfortunately, today is a sad day for me.  So let me explain why.

About 4 years ago, I was handed this little kitten.  He was tiny and sick and my heart just skipped a beat.  The woman that had brought him over asked us for an egg.  She said that the mother cat wouldn’t feed him, so they were giving him cows milk and wanted to feed him a raw egg.  I held this little being in my hands, and pressed him to my chest and couldn’t stop the words from spilling out.  “He’s mine.”  The woman looked at me in shock, confused by what I was saying.  I repeated, “He’s mine. He’s my Nigelis”  I could feel anger pouring into me as I felt his little heart struggling to beat.  I was furious.  She left soon after, going to ask the owners if I could have him, and soon returned with the now lifeless body with her.  I grabbed him and put him back onto my chest, rubbed his little back and felt a breath come, and another as his body warmed.  I ran to the store and grabbed everything that I could think of.  Kitten formula, tiny bottles, even little toys. I stayed awake all night, that little boy burrowed into my shirt, his ear pressed to my heart.  Every hour he would move and I would feed him and he started getting stronger.  His little eyes weren’t even open.  I would clean him, and snuggle him.  And every night he would lay on my chest.  Weeks went by and finally his white fur was beginning to shine like a star.  And then I seen it.  Bright blue eyes watching me.

Love filled me so intensely.  This was my son. My child and I loved him.  Just like I loved my human children.  The milestones passed quickly.  His first steps, his first play, his first solid foods, his eyes changing from blue to copper.  My heart swelled even more.  This tiny little kitten was becoming my whole life, my everything.  He wouldn’t sleep in his bed any more, he had to sleep with me.  And would yell if I left the room.  He had a voice, and the voice said “Mama.”  That little tiny fur child would yell Mama.

And then something happened.  He got sick.  He stopped walking properly.  He had constant diarrhea.  And then the seizures happened.  My son, my Nigelis had epilepsy, the very disease that I have to conquer every day.

We fought through everything together, me and my little Angel.

Two long and glorious years I held that precious bundle in my arms.  Loving him so deeply that I couldn’t breathe.  My heart holding him close.

And then one day, he attacked my daughter.  He ripped into her like she was some monster he was at war with.  Her legs were covered in blood.  Huge scratches and bite marks covered her skin.  And it was as I was holding him down that he looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears and I heard one last “Mama.”  I knew it was time.  He was begging me to let him go.  I could almost hear a voice in my head saying that it was time to let him go, that I just never listened.  He struck out the only way he knew how, knowing that I would finally pay attention.

That night I had to release him.  He passed away a year and 4 months ago.

It still hurts.  It still fills my dreams.  I know it is what he needed, but in the end, I still feel like I murdered my son.

I love you Nigelis.  I will always love you.  I will always miss the way you always wanted to snuggle, the way you always made me smile.  The way you would go still as a statue when I caught you in the garbage can.  The way you would yell Mom as you were getting a bath.  The way you would wear a coconut on your head.  The way you would stick your tongue out at me and make me laugh.

God I miss you so much.

.:Dealing with Loss:.

Hello my friends.  I do hope this day finds you happy and healthy.  Today I want to talk to all of you about something important.  Something that all of us deal with during one point or another in our lives.

Loss.

Such a simple word for something so life changing.  But there it is.

Loss.

Many of us experience loss in different ways.  It is the loss of a job.  It is the loss of a relationship.  It is the loss of a loved one. All of these things bring up so many different emotions and heartbreak.  It is how you handle it that will determine if you will come through it in one piece.  This is what we will be taking about today.

What we all need to understand is that grieving is different for everyone.  Just like our personalities are different from person to person, so is how we handle losing something so important to us.  We each go through the stages of grief differently and at our own pace.  There is no set limit for how long someone grieves and there shouldn’t be.  You can’t force acceptance, you cannot push it to go faster.  You have to let it run its course.

For instance, my most beloved Furchild, Nigelis had to be put to sleep a year ago.  While I am still to this day not able to handle the thought of him being gone, Waya has moved on.  I can’t.  Even now just thinking about it, I feel the tears burning behind my eyes, and I am fighting the urge to cry.  Moving on before I start blubbering.

You are going to experience many emotions my darling before you are actually able to cope.  There is going to be pain, anger, slight insanity (trust me on that one,) fear.  It is all going to coil around you like webbing, and it will get tighter and tighter, until the day that you relax yourself and are able to release those bonds and move on.

Now, I want to talk to you about the levels to which you will go through.  These are important to understand when you are going through such a horrible time.

• Denial –  You will not be able to comprehend what is going on, and will deny it completely.  “No.  No.. You’re lying!”  along with “This can’t be happening.”  It is a normal response to loss.
• Anger – You are going to get mad honey.  Very mad.  You are going to scream, shout, yell, throw things.  You are going to lash out at everything and everyone.  “DAMN YOU!  WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME!?!”  “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?”  It is normal baby cakes.
• Bargaining – You are going to beg, and plead.  You will ask God to bring what or whomever back.  Believe me.  “Please God, if you bring her back, I will do anything.  Please.”  This too is normal.
• Depression – You are going to feel a sadness unlike anything you have ever felt.  You won’t feel like doing anything, talking to anyone, nothing.  Nothing will matter to you for a while.  You are going to lose focus, you are going to lose yourself for a while.  Things will start to feel like a dream, like you are sinking into this cold blackness and you just can’t swim out.  “I just don’t care anymore.”  Baby, this is normal.
• Acceptance – You are going to wake up one day and feel just a little better than the day before.  You will be able to get up and go one about your life.  You will be able to look back on the memories and not cry.  You will be able to let go.  You will be able to accept that your life is now different, that what or whomever is gone.  “I miss them(it) but I can’t let it keep getting me down.”  “They wouldn’t want me to live like this.”

And remember, that sometimes you will end up going through these stages multiple times.  You will hit the depression stage and slam back into anger. It happens.  Grieving is like a mountain range you are trying to climb. Constant ups and downs until you come to the end.  You will make it through.

I want to talk now about what you can do to help with the pain of loss.  For one, you can’t just ignore it and expect it to get better.  It doesn’t work.  It will just make it worse in the end.  Many people have tried but their minds get to a certain point and they break.  Nightmares, phobias and others psychological problems can happen.

The best thing to do is go to your friends or family for support.  Share with them what you are feeling.  Let them hold you while you cry, or let them try to make you smile.  Tell them what you need and allow them to be that rock you so desperately need.  Hold on to those that you care about and let them be strong for you.

You can even join a support group.  There are many people in the world that is going through the same thing as you.  There will be people to share with, to use as support in your time of need, and in the end, you will be able to help others as well.  They too are hurting.  And we all know how much help it can be to have someone standing with you.

Counselling.  If you feel that you are just not able to handle the loss, go and see a therapist.  They are a person out of the box and can possibly give you better insight into what you are feeling.  But make sure that you go to one that is certified to deal with the emotions following loss.  Do your homework about them.  Trust me on that one.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT, let anyone tell you how you should feel.  “You need to get over it,” is a bullshit term used by people that don’t understand.  No one can tell you how to feel, how to act or give you some type of time limit.  Our grief is our own. Let yourself feel what you are feeling. You shouldn’t be judged or embarrassed by it.  Allow it to happen.  And do not allow anyone to make you feel that way.

The best way I have found so far to deal with loss is by using a creative “outlet” to release the emotions involved.  Painting, sewing, scrapbooking or even keeping a journal is a wonderful outlet.  Release all those emotions baby doll and don’t let it seep into your soul.  Allow it to flow outwards and into something productive.  It will help.

No matter what, just know that I love you and will support you no matter what.  Feel free to share this post with everyone. Hopefully it will help anyone that needs it.

❤