.:Late to our Date – Hellraiser Revolution:.

Hello friends!  Hope your day is going well. With all the hoololly that is going on about the new Hellraiser film coming out (if it hasn’t already!) I thought I would go through and watch a few of the films as a bit of an homage to the series. I personally love the Hellraiser movies, and enjoy the imaginative way they have brought the story to life.  BUT, and this is a big but, there are a few that I haven’t watched and Revolution is one of them.  Oh and btw,

SPOILERS!

The story starts out in a sort of home video way.  2 guys are on a roadtrip and one is filming.  The one driving is telling the other that no, they aren’t going to where he said they were, that they were going to Mexico. Tijuana, Mexico to be exact.  They are talking nasty stuff and that is when you get to really know the guys involved.

The passenger/camera guy is Steven.  The driver is Nico who is dating Stevens sister Emma. They proceed to talk about getting hookers in Tijuana and having an all around great time. Then it moves to later in the time and Steven and Nico are getting sh*t-faced drunk and see a woman that Steven is just wowed by.  They go up and talk to her.

It then switches to showing an older woman watching the boys on a video camera.  Apparently, Steven and Nico end up missing. This younger woman comes in, ugh, I’m going to skip through most of this.  Apparently, the woman is Stevens mom, the young girl is Emma, Stevens sister and the family is having dinner with the parents of Nico. Emma is mad because the parents don’t want to talk about the boys and she ends up going into Stevens room where she finds the bag that was found at the scene.

And she ends up watching part of the video where Nico ended up screwing the woman that they had met in a bathroom stall and Steven had caught them. She gets mad and then finds the PUZZLE BOX…. oooooooooh.

All this crap happens, she plays with the puzzle box and Steven comes home and all this weird sh*t happens, blah blah blah.  Then Emma and Steven end up making out, with his hands in her shirt, and she sees him ripping of her boob.  This is where I just couldn’t even watch.  INCEST people.  Think about that.

Well, skip skip skip, blah blah blah, and then we see the shot that I waited for.  PINHEAD… but.. wait… what is wrong with Pinhead?  He… doesn’t look righ… OMFG really?  really?  That isn’t Doug Bradley.  That is some impostor! Who the HELL (get it?) is that guy?  And… who the hell is that other guy?  THIS ISN’T MAKING ANY SENSE!!!

People, Doug Bradley.  Doug Bradley is PINHEAD.  How dare they not have Doug Freakin’ Bradley as Pinhead and put in this ugly and NON-acting fool in his place!  It was at that moment that I proceeded to lose faith in Humanity, in the horror community as a whole.  I felt the need to watch the Notebook or some other romantic tripe that I hate.

The story ends up dumber and dumber as time goes on.  Nico ends up killing the hooker, then getting given the puzzle box, then Steven ends up with a hooker and kills her, which in turn brings back Nico, then Steven kills more hookers so Nico can get his body back, and when Steven wouldn’t do it anymore, Nico ends up taking Stevens skin, Steven ends up using the puzzle box to “save himself” and becomes the second Pinhead, and ugh.  It just ends up being this jumble of stupidity.

I am horrified that they would even DARE to consider this piece of garbage as Hellraiser.  I know that Clive Barker, the amazing man behind the creation of the book that the Hellraiser franchises inspiration, has to be having some type of fit over this.

Mr. Barker,

I am truly sorry for what they have made Hellraiser into.  I am devastated by the lengths that they have went just to keep it going, and how wrong they have been in the way they have done it. I know you must be ashamed of them.

And to you pukes that have destroyed the story,

HOW DARE YOU! Mr. Barker had such sights to show us.  He created this amazing (yet terrifying) world and you have made it into this mess.  This disgusting and trivial mess that I can’t even believe you have put onto film.  This movie was horrid, stupid and had no flow.  The plot itself (or should I say the IDEA of the plot) was a good one, I give you that, but your follow through was bullsh*t.  The actors were horrible, the scenes made no sense and Pinhead… OMG what have you done!?  You know what… I want those 2 hours of my life back.

*sits in the corner, her legs up to her chest with her arms around them, rocking back and forth while she cries*