.:When Doctors Do Not Know What Is Wrong:.

Today friends, I would like to speak about something that has been in my mind for a while.  To those of you that have been here for a while, you know that I have a few medical issues. But for those that are new, I shall explain.

I have epilepsy, fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, and Asthma. I am fully disabled, and spend a lot of my time in severe pain. Unfortunately in my area, the doctors most of the time either do not care, or they don’t know what is going on. *thinks for a moment* Okay, I think I need to explain this better.

For the past 3 years, it has gotten harder and harder for me to walk any distance.  I get up and go to the restroom and I feel like I have run 5 miles. My breath is coming in gasps, my lungs are whistling like the Pied Piper and my heart feels like it is skipping beats. I have talked with 2 doctors about this, both of which have said, “Oh, there is nothing wrong.” I have had X-Rays on broken bones, and I get “Its nothing.”

I cannot figure out whether or not they are just incompetent, or unwilling to help me. It has went so far, that they swear I am perfectly healthy. Which in turn gets the social security office in an uproar. So now that is something I have to deal with. I would love to work, I would love to be able to “bring home the bacon” so to speak, but as my last employer said, “Lilly, we love that you work here, but with your issues, you are a liability.” And once an possible employer hears of the issues, poof, opportunity GONE.

The reason I am writing this is to explain something that I have learned over the years.

Doctors do not know what they are doing fully.  That is why they call it a Medical PRACTICE. On top of that, you have the doctors that feel that a person that has insurance isn’t worthy of care. Sad to say, that is 95% of the doctors in my area. Too many people put money as the main goal in anything they do, and it makes those that need help suffer. It creates this wedge within the system that destroys the Hippocratic Oath that each of them take.

Now, I guess I need to explain to those of you that do not know the Oath.  

“The Hippocratic Oath is an oath historically taken by physicians. It is one of the most widely known of Greek medical texts. In its original form, it requires a new physician to swear, by a number of healing gods, to uphold specific ethical standards. Of historic and traditional value, the oath is considered a rite of passage for practitioners of medicine in many countries, although nowadays various modernized versions are often used; the message delivered is still the same: do no harm.

Hippocrates is often called the father of medicine in Western culture. The original oath was written in Ionic Greek, in the late Fifth Century BC. It is usually included in the Hippocratic Corpus.

Scholars widely believe that Hippocrates or one of his students wrote the oath between the 5th and 3rd century BC. Alternatively, classical scholar Ludwig Edelstein proposed that the oath was written by the Pythagoreans, an idea that others questioned for lack of evidence for a school of Pythagorean medicine.”

This was taken from the Wiki page, that speaks about what the Oath is.  You will see one part that I have underlined.  Do No Harm.

Being a doctor is not about how many accolades you get, or about the car you drive.  It isn’t about that big house and the big screen TV.  It isn’t about the amount in your bank account or the vacations you take.  It is about helping people that need it. Having empathy, and a sense of dedication to your patients.  Not all of us have huge sums of money to shell out for a visit.  But we are still in need.

I don’t know what any of you can take from this, but it is something I truly needed to get off my chest. The only thing I know is that YOU are the only one that truly knows your body, and what it says.  Only you can determine that something is wrong.  Listen to what it says.  And if your doctor is unwilling to listen, then find one that will.

Much love,



.:Depression – What is it, and isn’t:.

Depression.  It is such a small word for such a long road. I want to share with all of you what it is, and what it isn’t.  Many of us suffer with it in some form or another and then there are those select few that just don’t understand.  So, without further ado, I am going to shine a bit of a light on it, in the Lilly way.

Depression is the severe feeling of despondency and dejection. By medical terms. It is a common but serious mental disorder. So let me bullet point this (I LOVE ME SOME BULLET POINTS YO!):

  • Depression is a REAL THING. It isn’t something that is just boom you can get over it. IT IS A MENTAL STATE.
  • Depression can and will affect people in different ways.  While some people are hardly able to get out of bed, some will do menial things, like sink into a Television screen.  Okay, that sounds bad like I am talking about the scene in “Nightmare on Elm Street” where the TV picks up the girl and shoves her hea…..  Okay, stopping here.
  • Depression can be treated.  There are ways to get out of a funk.  Whether it is meditation, mediCation or therapy. You can find help.

All of us have periods of sadness.  Whether it is a break-up, a loss of a job or home, it comes on.  Sadness is a part of every day life and something that will never go away.  Depression on the other hand is deeper than that.  It is the loss of will.  Things that we used to be interested in just lose their oomph.  No motivation to get out there and take on the world.  It is the feeling of inadequacy.  Eating too much, or too little.  Now, you might say that these all sound like SAD symptoms, and you are right.  They are.  BUT it is when they extend past that point, last for a lot longer than usual.

Let’s say there is a girl named Bertha May Magillycutty. Bertha has been in a relationship with Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen.  Then Bertha and Smitty break up.  She is sad, ends up losing interest, starts eating buckets of ice cream while watching The Notebook.  After a few days she gets leveled out and begins picking up the pieces.

Now here is the way the Depressed Mind gets.

Bertha and Smitty break up.  She is heartbroken.  Cannot get out of bed, she lets herself go.  Doesn’t shower, brush her hair.  She doesn’t leave the house. She is in a downward spiral. Where the first Bertha began picking up the pieces, this Bertha looks at the pieces all strewn around the floor and gets frustrated by the amount of them are on the floor.  She sees them as a wave of pieces that she couldn’t possibly pick up.  So she sits in the middle of that pieces strewn floor and loses herself in them.

So there it is my friends.  How DEPRESSION is.  It is wave after wave of pieces that we just feel we won’t be able to put back together because there are just so many. So we sink lower and lower into the blackness.

It, Depression, interferes with the daily lives of those that it grabs, like a torturous villain. It causes pain, not only to the person being held “captive” but those around them too. It doesn’t at all mean that those suffering from depression is weak, by no means.  It just means that we are overwhelmed.

Like I said before, too many times depression is overlooked. It is “diagnosed” as just sadness, or another sickness. But I am going to give a short list of symptoms that we can look for in ourselves or those around us.

  • Loss of interest in things previously enjoyed.  (Hobbies, Sports, etc)
  • Difficulty in making decisions, or remembering planned things.
  • Restlessness or irritability.
  • Weight gain or loss.
  • Fatigue or lethargy.
  • Feelings of being worthless, useless, unneeded.
  • Difficulty sleeping.  Either too little, or too much.
  • Hopelessness

There are many different types of depression as well.  I will not go into detail of them, since this is already running long, but there is one that I want to bring up.  Bipolar Disorder.

Bipolar is NOT the same as depression.  While a person that suffers from Bipolar disorder, does have extremely low moods, they also have very HIGH moods.  They can been down and out, or excessively happy.

What I want all of you to know is that no matter how severe depression is, it IS treatable. Using meditation techniques helps soothe over whatever wounds are creating the issue.  Find a quiet spot, fill it with candles and smell good things and just sit and relax.  Just allow your mind to wander.  Lay down if you must, but you need to clear your mind and just allow it to roam.  If something comes in, push it out and keep your head clear.

You may also decide that medications are in order. There are many different types out there, you need to speak to your doctor to find which one suits you. Non-narcotic types are out there, just figure which works.

Therapy is a great way to get a handle on depression.  Speak about how your feeling with a medical therapist.  Just let it out.

Keep a journal.  Put in all of your feelings, the pain, heartache and then when you are done with that one, burn it.  And then as the smoke flows up into the sky, visualize that your hurt is going with it.

A mixture of all of these could help.  But the most important thing is for you to know that you are NOT alone in this.  You have family, friends (online and off) that are going to be there for you.  Goodness knows that I am.

Now depression is not something that can be dropped at turn of a hat.  Saying “Just get over it,” is not a good treatment option.  This ‘sadness’ goes a lot deeper.  It is the loss of hope and desire.  You cannot just dust those off and boom, shiny and new.  I wish it would, but it won’t. It isn’t something that can be just shooed away.  It is deep rooted and seeded, and the only thing that can help is HELP.

Study about depression.  Research about it friends.  And remember, no matter what, you can get passed this. You got it.


.:The Power Of Make-Up ~ My Thoughts:.

Hey my darling lovelies!  I do hope that all of you are doing well.

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of this “power of make-up” stuff going around.  Videos have been pouring out through the YouTube of it and I wanted to give my input in the best way I know how and lets not speak of my obsession with YouTubes.  No.  Just no.


The Power of Make-up is when people pretty much show you the before and after.  And their reasoning behind why they wear make up (or the why nots.)  I have seen some interesting transformations, but I have also seen most people saying some OFF things about wearing it.

For instance, one girl said that it is “taboo” to wear make up.

Say what now?  Taboo?  I guess that is why there are no openly make up companies in the world.  *cough cough*  I guess there is some underground make-up railroad somewhere.

So, I am going to explain “MY” experiences with make up.

A few years ago, I was in this group that worked with women that had just gotten out of jail.  (I will explain the WHYS of that in the next blog!)  The group most dealt with people that were on drugs or alcohol, hence why I am not a part of it anymore.  I can honestly say that I do not do either so… Yeah.  Didn’t meet the criteria.

What they did was quite lovely.  They helped teach women skills, boost confidence and assisted them with learning how to be dependent on themselves instead of drugs/alcohol.

One day, they talked about how make-up can motivate.

While I agreed that it could, I never wore it.  I didn’t know how to apply it or anything.  Not only that, I didn’t need to wear foundation, blush or any of that foolishness.  My skin is pretty awesome, not to brag or anything.

During this meeting, the woman running it looked directly at me and said, “You know you would be so much prettier WITH make up.”

Say what?  Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you correctly.

She goes on to explain that I will not be chosen for a job, or for really anything BECAUSE I would be looked over since I didn’t wear it.

“Um…. I’m disabled.  I can’t work, I can’t get a job.”

I could remember going home from that meeting and feeling exceptionally sorry for myself.  I scoured the webs for how-to’s, how-three’s.  I didn’t even OWN make-up.

I went out that night and picked up my first eyeshadow at the Dollar Tree.  Y’all, I’m broke so no Sephora for ol’ Lil here.  I also found a dark red lipstick.

I went into the next meeting with a purple “smokey eye” and that lipstick ON POINT.  I also went in with a mohawk and a grin the size of Mexico.  And right in front of them, I said, “Yeah, I look damn good in make-up but it doesn’t mean anything.  I am still me, perfect.”

Now why am I telling you this story?

Because make-up doesn’t mean shit when it comes to your happiness.  If people can only accept you for wearing it and being flawless then they don’t deserve you.  Period.  Don’t you ever think that you can’t walk out the door without it.  Don’t ever think that you aren’t beautiful.  YOU ARE.

That make-up means little.

What matters is that YOU are happy being YOU.  Not who you are in a bottle.  Wear it if it makes YOU happy, don’t wear it if it makes YOU happy.

The only thing that matters is that you are able to look at yourself NO MATTER WHAT and you can LOVE yourself unconditionally.

You deserve that.

Love you,


PS.  Now that I am thinking about this.  I wear make up every day now.  Not to impress anyone, but to shock them mostly.  Being that I am goth, it makes me smile to be exceptionally nice to people and seeing their response to WHO it is.  I want to get that response to  show that NOT ALL THAT ARE DIFFERENT ARE BAD.  We are all wonderful.

And yes, you can see videos of me on YouTube that is without the gear and “facepaint.”


Hello my lovelies.

I hope that the cold weather is not in your area and you are free to roam.  Goodness knows here winter has set in and I have seen more snow than I have in years.

This is truly the time of reflection.  Of sitting back and putting all ya ducks in a row.  It is the time where you sit and see where your life is headed and if it corresponds with WHERE you want your life to lead.

And sometimes friends, that goal just doesn’t happen.

But you know what…  That is okay.  Sometimes our journey through life is filled with unexpected twists and turns.  Some twists become painful memories that hurt us to the very core of our souls.  And some turns become light in the tunnel of living.

It is what we all do with it that makes it all worth while.

Do you just sit back and let life pass you by because you are moving backwards instead of forward?

Or do you turn you back to what has happened, what has created the perfect you and move forward into your very own heaven?

The choice is all within you.

Be you.  Be what YOU desire in life.  Don’t try to find it out there in that big ol’ world.  Find it within YOU.

You… Are…Perfect.

Love always,



Hello my darling friends.
Today has been a pretty telling day for me. One that is filled with thoughtful internal feelings. Thoughts about where our minds have been going. Thoughts about peer pressure and what it means to all of us.
So many kids now-a-days are feeling the need to listen to others before themselves. They are willing to mold themselves into what others want them to be. And honestly, this isn’t just “kids,” it is all of us. WE are becoming sheep friends. Sheep.
I know that many of you are staring at this page right now and saying, “What the hell does that mean?” So let me explain with this story that I saw today.
A girl was with a guy that she loved deeply. She adored him. But he would constantly bicker about her looks, about how she done her make-up, her hair, even her weight. He liked short hair, she cut hers off. He didn’t like her make-up, she changed it. He thought she was getting fat, so she stopped eating. She spent her entire life wrapped inside of this fear that she wasn’t good enough.
That hit me friends. That really hit me hard.
But it also got me thinking about the bigger picture. About how many of us are living this outer world where we have no control. We are following this ideal that what and who we REALLY are, isn’t good enough. Well friends, this is my reply to that.
I’m sorry for the language but in the end, that is exactly how I feel.
Even in a relationship, as another example, you are head over heels in love with someone, but then your friends start talking shit. “Why waste your time on that loser?” “That asshole is just going to hurt you.” “She is nothing but a whore.”
Too many times you have situations like that. People stepping in to run their pie holes when they have absolutely no, and I mean NO, say in your relationship.
These are all things we need to work on. ALL OF US.
Look, I am not going to sugar coat this shit. You can polish a turd all you want, but in the end it is still a turd. And this my friends is shit. Plain and simple.
When it comes to living life, that is YOUR opinion. Not anyone elses. No one else has the right to dictate your life and how you live it. **Note here: If you are an underage person, this does and doesn’t apply to you. Your parents set rules, give you guidelines, not because they are acting like assholes, but because they are wanting you safe and for you to learn right and wrong! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE! This is pertaining to those that are considered “friends” or “a significant other.” Got that? I will explain down below where they, meaning the ‘rents “do not” have a say alright?**
All of us have a right to be exactly who we are, without fear of being bullied. None of us deserve to be treated like shit because some asshole seems to think that we should be cut out of some imaginary mold that they have created with their pea-brains. It doesn’t work like that friends. It simply doesn’t.
Someone doesn’t like your make-up? They don’t have to look at ya.
Someone doesn’t like your size? They don’t have to look at ya.
Someone doesn’t like your hair? See above answer.
All that matters is that YOU like it. That is just the way it is. If it makes you happy, then by all means do it. Make YOURSELF happy. You need to understand that no one else can love you, can care about you, can make you happy better than YOU can. And yes, this falls into the parent thing. *focuses on the kidlings that might be reading.* Kids, look. You aren’t a cookie cutter honey. You are you. You are an individual. Be happy with who you are inside and start exploring the looks that make you happy. You want to dress in all pink? By all means do it. You want to dress in all black and explore the whole “goth” thing, by all means do it. But ease yourself into it, along with your parents. Make subtle changes so that it doens’t all just BAM! Right in the kisser your family. Sit down and talk to them, explain what you are feeling, how you want to explore different looks. Talk to them like an adult. And please, for the sake of all spaghetti, DO NOT WHINE AND ACT LIKE A BABY! Seriously. It won’t get you anywhere. It will make you look like an immature little brat, and if you are wanting to be an individual, YOU NEED TO ACT MATURE! You need to show them that you have a good head on your shoulders, not that you have mush between your ears.
You in a relationship, and people are trying to tell you bad things? Who cares!
You in a relationship, and people talking shit? Who cares!
They aren’t in your relationship. They aren’t a part of the big picture. The only thing that matters is that the person you are with treats you with respect, with love. That they cherish you. Who gives a damn what anyone else says? This ain’t no menage-a-trois people. This is YOUR relationship: NOT THEIRS.
Those bitches have no say in your love life. None what-so-ever. They don’t have a say about anything. If they keep on going, then perhaps you need to rethink your relationship with THEM. Because seriously y’all, it sounds like they are trying to rule you, and that shit don’t fly with the ol’ Lilly here.
Y’all, listen. Seriously. Be yourselves. Don’t worry about what other people think. It took me a long time to realize that I am my own person. I am my own unique being. I don’t want to live for what others think, what others want. I want to live for ME. I want to make me HAPPY.
We all deserve that.
Know that you can always message me, my email is on the side there if you want to talk. I don’t mind. But I will tell ya again. I won’t sugar coat anything. I will tell ya like it is. And by all means share your experiences in the comments. Share this with someone you know that is going through this very problem. And STAND BY YOUR (AND THEIR) decisions.
Always be you.
Love Always,
PS. About that girl I talked to at the beginning of this post. Her boyfriend left her for someone younger and “better looking.” She spent months blaming herself. But then she woke up and saw that it wasn’t her that was the problem. He wanted someone to mold, and she just didn’t. I am damn glad to have read that post today.
And to that girl.
I am so proud of you.