.:Grief – Missing my Fur Son:.

Hello friends.  I hope that all of you are smiling today.  Unfortunately, today is a sad day for me.  So let me explain why.

About 4 years ago, I was handed this little kitten.  He was tiny and sick and my heart just skipped a beat.  The woman that had brought him over asked us for an egg.  She said that the mother cat wouldn’t feed him, so they were giving him cows milk and wanted to feed him a raw egg.  I held this little being in my hands, and pressed him to my chest and couldn’t stop the words from spilling out.  “He’s mine.”  The woman looked at me in shock, confused by what I was saying.  I repeated, “He’s mine. He’s my Nigelis”  I could feel anger pouring into me as I felt his little heart struggling to beat.  I was furious.  She left soon after, going to ask the owners if I could have him, and soon returned with the now lifeless body with her.  I grabbed him and put him back onto my chest, rubbed his little back and felt a breath come, and another as his body warmed.  I ran to the store and grabbed everything that I could think of.  Kitten formula, tiny bottles, even little toys. I stayed awake all night, that little boy burrowed into my shirt, his ear pressed to my heart.  Every hour he would move and I would feed him and he started getting stronger.  His little eyes weren’t even open.  I would clean him, and snuggle him.  And every night he would lay on my chest.  Weeks went by and finally his white fur was beginning to shine like a star.  And then I seen it.  Bright blue eyes watching me.

Love filled me so intensely.  This was my son. My child and I loved him.  Just like I loved my human children.  The milestones passed quickly.  His first steps, his first play, his first solid foods, his eyes changing from blue to copper.  My heart swelled even more.  This tiny little kitten was becoming my whole life, my everything.  He wouldn’t sleep in his bed any more, he had to sleep with me.  And would yell if I left the room.  He had a voice, and the voice said “Mama.”  That little tiny fur child would yell Mama.

And then something happened.  He got sick.  He stopped walking properly.  He had constant diarrhea.  And then the seizures happened.  My son, my Nigelis had epilepsy, the very disease that I have to conquer every day.

We fought through everything together, me and my little Angel.

Two long and glorious years I held that precious bundle in my arms.  Loving him so deeply that I couldn’t breathe.  My heart holding him close.

And then one day, he attacked my daughter.  He ripped into her like she was some monster he was at war with.  Her legs were covered in blood.  Huge scratches and bite marks covered her skin.  And it was as I was holding him down that he looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears and I heard one last “Mama.”  I knew it was time.  He was begging me to let him go.  I could almost hear a voice in my head saying that it was time to let him go, that I just never listened.  He struck out the only way he knew how, knowing that I would finally pay attention.

That night I had to release him.  He passed away a year and 4 months ago.

It still hurts.  It still fills my dreams.  I know it is what he needed, but in the end, I still feel like I murdered my son.

I love you Nigelis.  I will always love you.  I will always miss the way you always wanted to snuggle, the way you always made me smile.  The way you would go still as a statue when I caught you in the garbage can.  The way you would yell Mom as you were getting a bath.  The way you would wear a coconut on your head.  The way you would stick your tongue out at me and make me laugh.

God I miss you so much.

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