.:Advice About A Breakup:.

A young man posted this on a website and I wanted to bring it here, so I can share my thoughts with all of you.

“This morning I broke up with my girlfriend after 5+ months of having a relationship. This might not be a long time, plus we live in different countries and never once touched each other during this whole relationship, yet I feel broken and she is worse. I talked to her best friend who is really mad at me(understandable of course) and she says that Lucy(my girlfriend) is really in love with me and right now she is a mess; angry, sad, frustrated, betrayed, confused and unloved. I get all of that and I feel like the worst human being there is for doing that to her. I still care so much for her and knowing I just kinda destroyed her made me cry all day so far. The reason I broke up with her is that I no longer saw a future for us together. Not without her or me changing, and I also realized I didnt really want to change for her… Does anyone have any idea how I can make this easier for her? What is the best thing I can do right now? I dont need advice for myself, I started this and I feel like I deserve to feel the way I do. But I want to make this easier for her, and I dont know how…” ~His Original Post

Now keep in mind everyone, that I am nearly 100% positive that this fellow will not see this post, but in the end, if this helps anyone, I am doing my “job.” So here we go.

Dear Fellow,

While it was a very short term relationship, that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t as serious as one that is longer.  Many people can love quickly and it seems that you and your now ex were two of those people.  I am very sorry that both of you are going through a hard time, but in the end, you felt that it was for the best. Being in a long-distance relationship is hard to start with, and not having that physicality of a normal relationship (i.e. Looking at each other as you speak, holding hands, kissing and the like) can definitely cause a lot of issues.

But my question to you is this.  You said in your posting that you didn’t see a future with her, but you still really care about her.  You also state that you are unwilling to change FOR her, but that you want to make the transition “easier” for her.

Do you not realize how those two things do not go together?  Caring about someone, and loving them deeply means that you are more than willing to sacrifice and evolve to become a better person FOR them.  While I am trying very hard to not to say that you are being selfish in that way, I just can’t help it.  You are being selfish honey.  And that selfishness shows that you are not ready to be within a serious relationship with anyone romantically.  This is not me being hateful, this is me stating a truth that you need to learn.

Now as for making it easier on her, there isn’t going to be any way.  To her, everything was fine. She was happy and felt that your relationship was going to move forward.  And you breaking it off with her due to “not going anywhere” tore her up inside.  And NOTHING you can say or do will fix that.  She is going to carry that pain around for a long time, and it is best for you to just step away completely, and not have contact at all.  Because all you are going to do is hurt her more.

Just let her be and allow her the chance to find someone willing to do anything for her, to treat her with the respect that she deserves.  It will take her a long time before she is able to trust anyone, but she will need to do it WITHOUT you.

I feel that it is time for you to really think about who you are as a person, to find you and what you stand for.  Take this time to focus on that and not worry about any type of romantic relationship.  And remember, the coin flips both ways.  A relationship is both give and take.  You can’t take and take and take and expect someone to only be willing to give.

Good luck.

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