Dear 16 year old Me,
So many things are going to happen in your life. You are going to go through many trials, many tribulations but each of them is going to create a great person. You may feel down about yourself now, but in the end, you will be okay. You will make it through stronger and will become more than you have ever known. It might seem like your are not going to make it, that sinking is better than swimming in that dark water that you call your life, but there is an island close by. And it has the brightest lighthouse to shine and guide you. On that island you will find a life of beauty and contentment, so keep swimming honey. You will make it soon.
You will always be the outcast, the unique one that stands out in a crowd. You will always be different inside, and you will learn that you wouldn’t change it for the world. You are perfectly imperfect; a wonderful mixture of squishy and lovely, pretty and strong. You will learn and grow as no one expected. You will begin to accept your flaws for what they are and be proud of that being you have become. You will not need to dream, you will not need to wish because in the end, you know that YOU make your life what it is and are happy of all that you have.
You will learn that your past has no effect on your present. You will find that through everything, you have gained knowledge and become one with your true self. You won’t hide anything anymore. You won’t hide what is inside. You will search for your happiness and you will find it. Believe me, I am you.
You will find that in a year, you will have the most beautiful son. You will experience the highest level of love imaginable. He will become your life, your everything. 3 years later, another beautiful child will come into your life and you will feel whole. But then things get hard, problems arise and you will feel your life being drained from you as you sign their lives over to the woman that raised you. You are doing the best thing for them, you are giving them a life that at that moment, you won’t be able to. You will get depressed, suicidal and feel as if you are better off dead. But they keep you strong. They keep your grounded. You will still be able to see the love and glory in their precious faces each time you see them.
You will also find that living in a car is not so bad. It will teach you to appreciate every single day, every single thing that you receive. You will be able to view the world with eyes wide open. That in itself will be a treasure for you. Not taking things for granted will be a gift.
You will learn what abuse means, and learn not to do it to others. You will live your life in loving kindness. With care and honor in your heart. You will see it first hand and become a voice of reason to others in that situation. You will become a beacon yourself to others that are swimming in that cold deep ocean. Do not doubt you are doing good for the world honey. Because you mean a lot.
2 years later, you will find in your arms the most beautiful girl-child. She will be the Angel in your life. Another saving grace. She will set your world upside down, and you will love it. She will be your princess, your pookaloo, your punka-wumpa-doo. You will feel at home finally after so many years. She grounds you like nothing else has. She becomes your little shadow, your little side-kick and when she goes to school, you will sit in the parking lot every day waiting and crying. It will hurt to know she is not there, but you soon are able to handle the pain of it through the art of sleeping. Trust me, it will be hard. But, you will start to accept.
You will see the kindness of strangers, the joy of friends. You will meet this crazy girl on Myspace and have an instant connection. She will come to you and become best friends of which you have never had before. You will learn what true friendship means through her and will share your journey through life with her, your daughter and those you love.
You will also find out what divorce means. It will be the hardest part of your life, but you will know that it is for the best. The two of you just won’t be able to work out due to your differences. You’re eccentric, he is more down to earth. You are more imaginative, he is more logical. But you will make it babycakes. You will make it.
You will also soon learn that your health is not all that great anymore. The seizures you had as a child will come back, you will start shaking uncontrollably sometimes. Your right side will become weaker and weaker. You will stop eating. And will go days without food. It will get better. You will finally find a medication that will help you eat a decent meal at least once a day. But you will learn through it all and become happier.
You are doing great honey. Keep that chin up. Keep that smile on your face. You are going to be a wonderful and brilliant person by the time we meet up again at the age of 37. Trust in yourself, I do.
Oh and as a note:
Please try not to start smoking. It is a horrid habit that we have picked up.
I love you little me. And always will.
Your 37 year old self.